This is Good
by Bryan Greenberg
Summary: Oneshot. Directly after partings. Lorelai has to take what she needs from whomever she can get it. Kind of dark.


Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls.

**This is Good**

I feel Chris's arms wrap around me as he gets back into bed with me. I'm empty. When Luke didn't choose me, didn't want to marry me, I turned to the only place I could think of. Despite his faults and every time he has let me down, I knew he would be there for me. He's been really good at that lately. Maybe I should have gone to Rory, but how could I interrupt her last night with Logan?

I really didn't plan on ending up in bed with him. I just…I needed someone who would without a question be on my side. He wouldn't try to justify Luke's actions or tell me that Luke loves me and does want to marry me. Maybe that's the other reason I didn't go to Rory. She loves Luke; he's practically her family, and she's so invested in our relationship.

Chris isn't impartial. I know that. He says he just wants me to be happy, but what he means is he wants me to be happy with him. I didn't want someone who was impartial. I wanted someone who didn't want me with Luke because one word justifying Luke's actions, one word telling me to give him a chance, and I would have. But I can't go back to how my life has been these past few months.

I wasn't going to have sex with Chris, so how did I get here?

_Chris leads me into his apartment without a question. He's always been able to read me so I know he can tell how upset I am. I look around me, chewing on my lip._

_"Where's Gigi?" I ask._

_He gives me a weird look. "She's sleeping," he states, and I remember that it's really late._

_"Right," I say distractedly, "Little girls do that sometimes."_

_"Do you want to sit down?" he asks, and I comply._

_"Do you want something? Coffee? Tequila?" he offers._

_I shake my head. I don't want to be drunk right now. It would make everything worse. And coffee? Coffee is Luke. I can't think about him right now. I don't know why the association is affecting me now. It didn't the first time we broke up. This reminds me of Rory, and I give a short laugh._

_"What's funny?" Chris asks._

_"Nothing, really," I say, "I was just thinking about Rory. When she broke up with Logan the first time, she had this huge breakdown and freaked out about how she couldn't have coffee anymore because he kept showing up at the coffee cart. I thought she was crazy. It wasn't coffee's fault Logan messed up. But now…now I get it. I'll have to tell her."_

_"Do you want to call her?" he offers, "Do you want her here?"_

_I shake my head. "I can't bother her," I insist, "Logan's leaving for London in the morning. She deserves this last night."_

_He looks so lost. He doesn't know what to do to make me feel better. I wish I could tell him that there isn't anything that would do that. I can tell what he wants to do is take me in his arms and take care of me, but he's not sure if that's a good idea. My heart aches at the sweetness. Why did he become this sweet perfect guy just at the moment I don't want him anymore? But I don't want him…right?_

_He finally sits down next to me. He reaches up tentatively and brushes my cheek tenderly, and I feel my heart break all over again. I'm not sure how many times it can take it._

_"I don't know what to do for you here, Lore," he says softly._

_"You're doing a pretty good job," I offer, leaning my face into his hand._

_My eyes meet his and all I can see is love. He loves me. He wants me. Why doesn't Luke? I take in a shaky breath. I haven't felt wanted in so long. I miss it. I miss feeling like I'm the most important person in the room. Even when Luke and I are alone lately, I feel like he's thinking about how he can be a better father. I can respect that, but why doesn't he want to be a better fiancé? I lean in, and our lips meet. Chris and I have always felt the tingles. There has always been a physical attraction no matter where we were in our lives so this kiss is good._

_Chris pulls away. "We can't do this," he says._

_"Why?" I ask quietly, "If you want to and I want to and we're both single, why can't we?"_

_"Because," he says, "You don't want this. And I can't ever be a regret for you, Lorelai. It hurts too much."_

_"I won't regret this," I insist, knowing but not caring that that isn't true, "Please, Chris. I need this."_

_I see the pain and indecision in his eyes. He is fighting with himself, trying to decide whether to believe me or not, maybe trying to decide whether it matters if he believes me. He finally comes to a decision, and leans in to kiss me again._

_I lose myself in the kiss, in Chris's hands running over my body. For the first time in months I don't feel second best, and I don't want that feeling to go away. I begin to take off his shirt, but he stops me. He picks me up and carries me to his bedroom, shutting the door behind us. He places me gently on the bed before kissing me again, and I lose myself once more._

When I woke up to Chris talking to Gigi, what we did began to sink in. And with it came the inevitable regret, and the pain.

Now, lying in Chris's arms, I know I will always love him. But I also know that it isn't the same as the love that I have for Luke. It's not even the same as the love I had for him when I was sixteen. I feel so guilty that I used him. He only wanted to be there for me, and I used that. I have never felt so dirty.

"I'm going to go get you some coffee," Chris says, kissing my shoulder sweetly. I nod, but I avoid looking him in the eyes. He'll be able to read them, and he'll know how unhappy I am right now. I can't do that to him.

I hear my phone beep as Chris moves around his kitchen, starting the coffee pot. I go over to my purse and retrieve the phone before returning to the bed and wrapping myself in the covers, hoping for some sort of protection.

I have a message. I dial my voicemail and hold the phone up to my ear. I brace myself for the possibility that it will be _his _voice on my voicemail. Maybe he'll be unbelievably sweet and he'll talk about how much he wants to marry me. Maybe he'll tell me he was just in shock last night and he never would have put our wedding off this long if he'd known how much I've been hurting. Maybe he'll set a date. Maybe he'll say everything right and I'll be the one who messed up our relationship again. I can handle that. I'm used to it.

"Um, hey Lorelai," _his _voice says, "So…will you call me? Just call me, ok. You don't have to be embarrassed about last night. I know dinner with your parents makes you crazy. It's ok. I just need to talk to you. I'm not mad that you freaked out. I love you, ok. So call me."

My breathing is shaky. He didn't say everything right. He didn't say _anything_ right. He can't even acknowledge a problem. He can't tell how unhappy I've been. When did he stop seeing me? When did he stop knowing me? Maybe he didn't. Maybe he just stopped caring. Either way, it destroys everything. And I can't feel guilty for the hurt Luke will feel when he finds out I had sex with Chris.

I think back to the conversation I had with Caroline last night. I felt so ridiculous sitting in her car, pouring my heart out to her, but she gave me a clarity I haven't felt in a long time. I realize that I'm too old to stay with a man who doesn't see me. I'm not in a place in my life where I can be in a standstill. That message was the final nail on the coffin of my relationship with Luke if sleeping with Chris hadn't been.

Chris comes back in, carrying a mug of coffee, and smiles at me. Coffee. He hands it to me, and I choke it down. I don't want him asking any questions. He looks into my eyes. He sees my pain before I can break the eye contact.

"Something's wrong," he states.

"Just a message from Rory," I lie, gesturing with my phone, "Logan's gone, and she's really upset. You know how her pain is my pain."

He nods. "She'll be ok," he says, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close, "They'll be ok. They love each other. They can get through this."

I nod and settle myself into his arms. Chris can be what I need right now. He can give me what Luke can't. I can be happy with him.

So, this is good…really.

END

AN- It's pretty dark, but I couldn't shake that look in Lorelai's eyes as she way lying there in bed. That was intense. I like Chris much better than I like Luke right now so I felt really sorry for Chris and not even a little sorry for Luke. But you know Lorelai loves Luke and not Chris. So this is my response to that.


End file.
